Episode 24: The Thief of Joy

Do you participate in comparison? Envy? Do you feel depression over not measuring up to who and what you think you know? Learn to take real steps to work on yourself, mind your business, and truly thrive from the inside out.

Transcript

The saying goes that ‘comparison is the thief of joy.’ In my world, this was something told to us by the elders in our communities, when we found ourselves in a less than desirable match-up against someone we perceived to have more than we did. I first learned that lesson as a 5 year old, when I compared my Mary Janes to those of a classmate. Mine were the classic black color, but her shoes were burgundy… and I felt that they were somehow better than the ones I had. I complained to my mother and demanded a similar pair, and that’s when I learned my first lesson about comparison… and how important it is to enjoy what you have.

That very elementary lesson carried well into my adulthood, and still holds true today. I am personally two generations removed from the average Gen Z individual… who has grown up firmly planted in the age of digital consumption. So now, instead of sizing themselves up against a classmate or a co-worker or friend, they are confronted with millions of images and information from across the globe. It’s not a stretch to understand how that much stimulus can cultivate a stressful environment, as everyone struggles to catch up with each other and at least ‘appear’ to have it all together.

There are plenty of studies to illustrate the potential effects of comparison in relation to anxiety, depression, and a whole host of physical and emotional imbalances. While the easy target is social media, there is also something to be said about good old fashioned advertising and marketing. Because the message – through images of social, happy, beautiful people – is that if you just have this product, you too can be as amazing as the humans in this advertisement. 

Layer onto that the overuse of editing software and filter, and it’s not wonder that exploring social media platforms is now referred to as ‘doom scrolling.’

So how do you pull your head above the digital water and catch a much-needed breath? Some have solved the issued by taking a break from social media platforms or logging off permanently. But for millions of humans who use those spaces to connect in both the personal and professional sense, that might not be an option. So how do you keep from doom scrolling and potentially spiraling down a drain of comparison and despair? The answer is simple in theory, but a lot more complicated execution. So lets break this down into achievable steps.

STEP ONE: WORK ON YOURSELF.

Sounds obvious right? Because naturally, the more you work on yourself, the less time you’ll have to be nosy about what everyone else is working on. But what does that actually look like? Social media will tell you that it’s everything from cleaning up your nutrition to putting in extra hours at the gym. Or maybe it looks like long walks on the beach or trips to some amazing destination… where you’ll sit and stare out into the vast nothingness in an attempt to find yourself.

All of that is true. And none of that is true. The reality is that working on yourself has everything to do with you and nothing to do with anything outside of you… including food and exercise and beaches and travel. We all require different things to thrive. But none of the environmental things will have a lasting effect if we don’t understand, at our core, who we are. So who are you? What do you need to thrive? 

While you endeavor to answer that question, it’s perfectly fine to work on those other things too. So yes, take a look at your nutrition. Now that we know how vitally important gut health is… to the point where we now refer to the gut as the second brain… it’s always a good idea to take real steps to balance your daily nutrition. Cleaning up your intake can have lasting effects on the way that you comprehend and even compare… as you move through both the physical and the digital space.

The same applies with exercise. The more you move your body, the more opportunity you have to be truly clear about who you are and what you want. Movement can be a form of meditation and can help you tune out the noise that tells you who you should be and what you should want. And the more you drown out the nonsense, the better able you’ll be to move in a direction that truly helps you thrive from the inside out.

You can use those same principles with exploration and travel and even meditation. All of the things outside of you are tools that can be utilized to better balance the things inside of you. And the more you engage in behaviors and habits that truly help you thrive, the less likely you are to give into the temptation of comparison and allow it to steal your joy.

STEP TWO: MIND YOUR BUSINESS.

This is an oldie but goodie. As a member of Generation X, I am sometimes baffled by how much Millenials and Gen Zers worry about everyone else’s business but their own! I’m sure this is a generational thing, and I’m sure Baby Boomers can say the same thing about me. I grew up in a ‘mind your business’ environment. My mother was quick to ask “Was anyone talking to you?” If the answer was no… then that was my cue to mind my business and go get some of my own. 

With the onset of social media, and the illusion that everyone is closer and more accessible than they actually are in reality… has blurred these lines even more. This concept of mind one another’s business is at an all time high. From gossip platforms to the click-bait that passes as ‘journalism’… there’s no shortage of entities trying to get you caught up in something that in reality… is none of your damn business.

Another golden saying is that “Minding your business is free.” These days, we can interpret that to mean that NOT minding your business can cost you more than you might be able to afford. This is especially true in a time where people have dedicated copious amounts of time to gossiping about and trying to discredit what they consider problematic entities and people. We live in a time when everyone feels pressured to share everything… even when no one asked for it. And sometimes that behavior has lasting consequences physically, emotionally, and financially. You can still get sued for libel. Don’t let your mouth write checks that your bank account can’t cash.

So mind your business. Work on yourself. The more time you spend on the things that you need… the less time you’ll have to worry about what others are doing to get what they need.

STEP THREE: DO GOOD WORK.

While you are minding your business and working on yourself, expand those endeavors to doing good work in your surrounding environment. This goes beyond being a good employee or business owner … or even a good citizen. Doing good work has more to do with the conscious footprint that remains once you are gone. What can you do to uplift and support your environment? How can you improve the spaces around you for both yourself and the others who occupy it?

If you’re a creative type, this might mean expressing yourself in some artistic way. Maybe you write something, or paint something, or teach something to those who wish to learn. Maybe you’re a performer or a musician or a journalist… HELLO! As you can see… or hear… doing good work in my world involves this podcast and Habibi Life magazine. Doing good work helps us maintain perspective and keeps us humble. Understanding that no human is an island, is the first step to building real and sustainable community.

Your endeavors do not have to be fancy or lucrative. It’s all about using what you have to pay it forward… and contributing in some way that uplifts and encourages your environment to be that much better for everyone and everything in it. Despite what the average ‘self-made’ human claims, none of us makes it alone. There is always a kind or guiding word… an example… or a literal check that helps propel is in the direction of our highest and our healthiest potential. So do good work. Pay forward the gifts that were paid to you at some point in your life. 

Doing good work keeps us focused on how to be beneficial to our environment. The more we move in that direction, the less likely we are to get mired in comparison or mind someone else’s business.

STEP FOUR: FIND LIKE-MINDED PEOPLE.

If we adhere to the concept that we are not alone, then it stands to reason that there are other humans out there like us. They don’t have to have the same education or profession or even superficial likes and dislikes. But that their core, they understand and embody the things that are equally important to you. These are your people.

Plus, they don’t even have to exist in your immediate environment. This is one of those wonderful times when the digital space is super helpful, because finding those people doesn’t have to mean just searching within your physical community. You can reach out across platforms to connect with individuals who are on a similar trajectory, and together you can build community in a way that nourishes you… as well as every other member.

If you’re in a community that genuinely uplifts and supports each member, there is no room for comparison. There is no room for detrimental feelings and behaviors like envy. Those things are suffocated by the fact that you are genuinely happy to be in your skin… because you’ve done the work. And you are working towards not only being better day-by-day… you’re also working to pay it forward. If your community is moving in that same direction… there are nothing but good things to go around.

That brings us to step five…

LEARN TO GENUINELY CHEER FOR OTHERS.

This can be more challenging than many of us appreciate, because it goes beyond the superficial behavior of telling someone they look nice or giving them a high five when they’ve done a good job. Those are surface behaviors that don’t always come with genuine intention or actual kindness. Learning to cheer for others means setting aside your own needs and issues in that moment, and being there wholly and completely for the person you are cheering for.

A great way to gauge whether you’re in the headspace to adopt this behavior is to look within your own community.  If there is someone in that space doing the exact same things you are, can you be genuinely happy for them? Can you continue to be happy for them if they start to get recognized for their efforts in a special way within your community? Can you continue to be happy for them if they get recognized for their efforts beyond your community? Can you continue to uplift and support them… even if it appears that they may be doing better than you, while still doing the exact same thing that you are?

If you’ve hesitated at this point to consider those questions, that’s okay. Comparison is least obvious when it’s right in front of us. It’s one thing to compare yourself to some stranger on the internet with the perfect social media account. It’s something quite different to simmer beside a person who is familiar with you and your efforts, and watch them seemingly surpass you with ease.

But this is also where the lesson of minding your business comes into play. Because no matter how much you think you know, you don’t know what it’s like to be in someone else’s skin. And it’s a complete waste of energy to try and figure that out. Instead, work on yourself… do good work to pay it forward… and learn how to be genuinely happy for those around them. Let them thrive. Because if the roles were reversed, you’d want them to let you thrive.

If you’re a fan of this podcast, you’ve heard me say again and again that the journey is not linear. So there will be times when you’ve done all of these steps in order… only to find that you have to double back and work on a few more things. This is normal. Remember that none of us is perfect, and we are all doing the best we can with the information that we have. 

But also… remember that to know better is to do better (another old saying). So if you know better… then DO BETTER. Don’t let the illusion of your circumstances (and I say illusion because there is always someone out there with more with less) keep you from continually putting one foot in front of the other. It’s okay to falter. It’s okay to get frustrated. It’s okay to put everything down from time to time and take a nap... because let’s face it… sometimes it gets like that. 

Throughout it all, always remember to show yourself grace. But also remember that the only real failure is not getting back up. So get up. You’re worth the effort. And if you’ve done even a little of the work to learn who you truly are and what you truly need, then you KNOW that you’re worth the effort. 

And as you learn and grow… pay it forward. Open the door for others. Take your people with you. The only way we get through this is together. Love it or hate it, it’s the truth. So learn your part, own your part, and get to work.