Episode 18: Falling in Love with Yourself

Let's take a deep dive into the uncomfortable waters of getting to know yourself. It is only through this practice that we come to understand who we are, and why we are worthy of love. Join us as we explore practical ways to learn more about... and fall in love with yourself.

Transcript

You’ve heard us stress again and again that our mission is to help you fall in love with yourself. But despite the abundance of practical advice that is shared on this podcast every week, you may still be searching for more straightforward steps to help get you there. Before you run out and hire a life coach, or pay someone a nominal feel to help you harness your ‘Goddess Energy’ – start with the most fundamental part of falling love with yourself… you.

·      Who are you? 

·      What kind of person do you consider yourself? 

·      How to you feel about the way that you look? 

·      What are your thoughts on the way that you feel, both physically and emotionally? 

·      How do you feel about the way you harmonize with, and react to your environment?

If you’re at a loss about how to answer any of these questions, don’t worry. Many people draw a blank when faced with those questions… sometimes out of concern that they may give a wrong answer (there are no wrong answers, by the way)… and sometimes because they simply have no idea what the answer might be. If this is you, it’s okay. The good news is, there are practical ways to explore these questions honestly and thoroughly, and apply daily practices to help you truly fall in love with yourself. 

QUESTION ONE: Who are You?

This is likely the most dense and difficult question to consider. It asks us to look beyond our astrological signs and superficial proclivities and gaze into the heart of what makes us a unique marker in the universal tapestry. The truth is that the only way to answer this question is to fully ponder all those that follow… then circle back with a clearer picture of what an answer might look like.

Let’s move onto QUESTION TWO: What kind of person do you consider yourself?

This might be a bit easier because you can apply physical principles and your everyday experiences to help answer this question. Are you an energetic person, or are you traditionally low energy? Are you outgoing, or do you prefer solitude? Are you reactive in stressful situations, or are you reflective? Do you prefer hot weather or cold weather? Yes… that’s a thing. 

Asking these kinds of questions can teach you a little more about how you shape up from the inside out… and from the outside in. The former is based on how you feel, particularly in terms of how well you harmonize with your environment. The latter is based on how others perceive you. While perception is not always reality, it is a good gauge to help you build a more three-dimensional image of how you move through space and time.

Onto to QUESTION THREE: How do you feel about the way that you look? 

If you’re feeling triggered, take a deep breath. The question was, how do you feel about the way that you look? Not… how do you feel about the way that you look based on environmental or societal standards. These are two very different things, and we are not talking about the latter. We are talking about how YOU feel. How do you feel about the hair on your head or face or body? How do you feel about the color of your skin? How do you feel about the clarity of your skin? How do you feel about your eyes, your nose, your mouth, your body from the neck down? These are questions that often come with a caveat in place of an answer: I love my hair BUT. I love my nose BUT. I love my body BUT.

THAT WASN’T THE QUESTION.

If any of your answers come with a caveat, then it may be time for some reflection. When our feelings about our appearance are less than declarative, there’s a chance that we might be constrained by expectations other than our own. If we cannot be fully comfortable in the skin that we occupy, then we cannot hope to move through and become harmonious with our environments in an authentic way.  

QUESTION FOUR asks you to dive a little deeper into your feelings about yourself by asking what your thoughts are on the way you FEEL… both physically and emotionally. 

Physically, how do you feel on a regular basis? From day to day, or even hour to hour, do you feel more energetic… or less energetic? Is there a time of day when you feel DISTINCTLY more or less energetic? Can you identify the cause… and more importantly… can you adjust the cause to balance your mind and body?

Emotionally, the same rules apply. Can you identify emotional triggers that send you on familiar journeys with less than desirable outcomes? Taking a dispassionate look at your physical and emotional feelings can help you better identify what you like, and what you’d perhaps like to shift about yourself.

Let’s pause, and insert a gentle but necessary reminder that THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. Self-reflection is not designed to identify things that you (or others) have decided is wrong with you. It’s a healthy tool to help you grow and evolve in a way that helps you get to know yourself… and ultimately fall in love with yourself.

Onto QUESTION FIVE: How do you feel about the way you harmonize with, and react to your environment?

Even if you don’t put that much thought into it, you likely have a general idea of how you feel about your personal and your professional environments. If your feelings are less than positive, that’s a good place to start. Perhaps you use this opportunity to identify the things that you’d like to evolve about your environments, and take the steps to make that evolution a reality. And as you take those steps… perhaps you circle back to question one:

WHO ARE YOU? 

By now, you’ve probably noticed that each of these questions layers upon and thread through each other. And each question ultimately circles back to the most important subject: YOU. The questions, and any exercises associated with those questions are designed to help you get to know yourself. Because it is only then that you can truly get on with the business of falling in love with yourself. 

Now, if all of this sounds involved and esoteric, don’t worry. We’re about to come back down to earth. We always aim to share practical advice to help you live an abundant life. So let’s get practical about how what you can do everyday to get to know yourself a little better, and maybe fall a little deeper in love with who you truly are.

STEP ONE: LOOK AT YOUR REFLECTION AND SMILE

Sounds so rudimentary, right? But If I had a dime for every time I noticed a person catching their reflection and either frowning or giving themselves a critical or disapproving look… let’s just say I’d have a lot more money that I do right now. It has almost become second nature to turn a critical eye on one’s reflection. We’ve become so accustomed to using our reflection to determine what we believe is wrong with us, that it never occurs to some of us to appreciate our reflections… and actually smile. 

So make that a habit. Whenever you look at your reflection, smile FIRST. Then go about the business of using the reflective surface for what you originally intended… like applying makeup or checking to see if there’s something stuck in your teeth. Try it… and if it feels unnatural, that might be something to reflect on. Keep up a conscious effort to smile at your reflection, until the act becomes unconscious. See if it helps elevate your perception of who you are, and appreciate the act of both seeing and loving what is reflected back at you.

STEP TWO: USE KIND WORDS WHEN DESCRIBING YOURSELF

Many of us also take the critical gaze and express ourselves with further critical words. It can be easy to fall into the habit of talking about what you believe is defective about you. This is particularly true in the current environment of commercialized trauma and the potentially lucrative practice of healing oneself or others. It’s possible that we have taken an idea that was already harmful… turning a critical eye back on ourselves… and given that idea more weight and lack of context than it ever deserved.

This is not to disparage those who are doing real work on themselves or others. But it’s naïve to believe this practice is benign in a society that already thrives on telling you what is wrong with you… and then convincing you that it has what you need to make yourself better. 

The very practice of using kind words to describe yourself can help you reflect on all of the things that are right with you. Using kind words before turning a critical gaze on yourself can be even more helpful, and allow you real perspective on your value and contribution to your environment. Like smiling at your reflection, the practice may seem foreign or even silly at first. But the more you do it, the more it becomes second nature. And in time, you may come to see that there is more about you to celebrate, than not.

STEP THREE: MAKE DECLARATIONS & AVOID CAVEATS

It can be a challenge to make declarations without the need to put that thing in perspective with a caveat. I AM CONTENT. I AM BEAUTIFUL. I AM HAPPY. We can sometimes confuse these declarations with the notion that we are either complacent or worse… delusional. For example, declaring that you are content… right here, right now… may make you feel like you lack ambition. So you say: “I’m content, but of course I’m not going to just sit here and rest on my laurels…” or something to that effect. Saying that you are beautiful may make you feel arrogant, so you might immediately follow that up by pointing out some perceived flaw about your physical or emotional self… you know, just to show that you’re not vain. Declaring that you’re happy might also make you feel complacent, so you might add something about wanting to have more money or a better body or travel more… or whatever.

We often dilute our declarations out of fear that we’ll be perceived in some negative way. We may also dilute them because we’re not entire sure that we are worthy of those declarations. Are we allowed to be content? Are we allowed to be beautiful? Are we allowed to be happy? These are questions worthy of reflection. And if you have trouble answering them in a less than declarative way, there’s a chance that you’ll need to dive a little deeper and learn WHY you don’t believe that you are worthy of these things. 

STEP FOUR: TAKE THE COMPLIMENT

This is another practice that sounds rudimentary on the surface, but is rarely habitual in the grand sense. When we receive a compliment, instead of answering with a simple ‘thank you’ – we might feel pressured to do one of two things: 

·      Immediately turn that compliment back on the person who offered it to us…

·      Or make some effort to dilute the compliment with a criticism about ourselves. 

If you regularly engage in either of these habits, or if receiving compliments in general makes you anxious, this an opportunity to reflect. Why do you have a hard time receiving compliments? Why do you feel obligated to either return or dilute said compliment? If we return to the previous three steps of smiling at your reflection, using kind words to describe yourself, and standing in your declarations… this step might become a bit easier. 

If you have trouble taking compliments, try this simple exercise: When that compliment comes, be still and take one deep breath. Then smile, and say ‘Thank you.’ That’s it. That’s the exercise. Over time, it may become easier to respond in gratitude without the need for a deep breath. We know that the more we practice a thing, the easier it becomes. This is no different. Understand that the compliment is a gift, and like any other gift… it deserves a simple ‘thank you.’ That’s it and that’s all.

STEP FIVE: REFLECT ON EXTERNAL CRITICISM AND ONLY TAKE WHAT YOU NEED

Taking criticism can be just as tough as taking compliments. If you are more likely to react to criticism instead of reflect on it, it can be an indication of how you feel about yourself in the most general sense. What you should know for sure is that no one can be you. They have no idea what it means to live in your skin. So that means any criticism they have of you is coming from their own perspective. This alone is reason to curb your reaction time. Because their perspective only highlights a very small part of who you actually are. 

If we think of criticism as ‘notes’ – it removes some of the sting. So… if you’re receiving ‘notes’ from an external source, take them into consideration. Sort the difference between what is factual and what is fictional. Before reacting and taking strides to explain yourself or be better understood, look at the notes in their entirety. And then take only what you need. There is value in reflecting on external criticism. But there is harm in accepting is as gospel, without any balance or consideration for your health and wellbeing.

So take what you need, leave what you don’t, and move on. Criticism is not the end of the conversation. Quite the contrary. It can be an opportunity to shift, if that’s what you choose to do, or affirmation that you are exactly where you want to be. 

STEP SIX: DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT, AND ACT ACCORDINGLY

What do you want? Who do you want to be? How do you want to be? Maybe the answers to those questions are the thing that leads you to planning or setting goals… or MAYBE those answers are affirmation that you want for nothing, you are happy with who you are, and you are happy existing as you do.

Remember that there are no right or wrong answers in your journey to self discovery and self love. And the closer move toward being honest and open about how you feel, the more authentic that shift toward truly knowing and truly loving yourself. The journey is NOT linear, and you’re not going to get everything right out of the gate. Stick with it. Take real, practical, measureable steps toward reaching your highest and healthiest potential… and know that you are worth the effort.